Tips & Tools for Churches to Support Those Affected by Domestic Violence

Setting Our Sisters Free from the Silence and Stigma Surrounding DV and IPV

by Rev. Dr. Carol Lynn Patterson

Have you ever seen a sister or a brother wearing a purple ribbon on their lapel? Did you know that those who do so are calling attention to domestic violence (DV)? Since 1989, October has been National Domestic Violence Awareness Month – a time to call attention to aggressive or abusive behavior in the home, and a critical time to raise awareness about domestic violence prevention and support for those affected by abuse.

Did you know that more than 1 in 4 women and as many as 1 in 7 men have been raped, stalked, and/or beaten by an intimate partner in their lifetime? These crimes are classified as intimate partner violence (IPV). Understanding that women ages 18 -24 generally experience the highest rates of IPV, Congress designated February as Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month in 2004. The ribbons are orange and the first full week of February is supposed to be dedicated to education about potential abuse in romantic relationships, including:

• Isolation from family and friends
• Rationalization/minimization of bad behavior
• Blaming others/circumstances for verbal or physical abuse
• Apology accompanied by promise(s) never to behave badly again

Sadly, Domestic Violence Awareness Month and Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month often get overshadowed by pink ribbons calling attention to Breast Cancer Awareness in October, red hearts celebrating Valentine’s Day in February, and all sorts of Black History Month celebrations and commemorations in the shortest month of the year.

In October, though purple and pink observances both promote health and can include celebrating survivors; congregations and the community-based organizations we often partner with speak publicly about breast cancer and promote its prevention at a much higher rate than they do DV or IPV. Did you know that the popular saying associated with breast cancer awareness – “Early detection saves lives” – is also true about DV and IPV?

Here are some alarming statistics:

• 40% of Black women will experience DV across their lifetimes, compared to 30.2% of white women.
• Black women are 3 times more likely to die as a result of IPV than white women.
• Worldwide, more than 5 women or girls are killed every hour by an intimate partner or family member.
• In the US, every day, 3 women are killed by an intimate partner.

According to The Black Women’s Health Imperative, DV is the number one health issue facing Black Women. We all know that Black women are the backbone of The Black Church. Perhaps this is why more and more congregations are observing pink (Breast Cancer Awareness Month) and purple (Domestic Violence Awareness Month) Sundays in October. These combined observances help to break the silence that causes the stigma surrounding victims and survivors of DV and IPV.

Stigma stops people from seeking help and sharing their stories, which could prevent others from traveling a similar path. Silence reinforces the stigma. The best thing churches can do to free those who are suffering in silence from the stigma associated with DV and IPV is to break the silence. Here are some ways to consider shining a spotlight on this crisis that has been relegated to the shadows for far too long:

• Acknowledging that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
• Observing a Pink & Purple Sunday or Month
• Sharing the signs of abuse in a workshop or seminar
• Creating space for survivors to share their stories
• Starting a support group

Did you know that clergy are mandated reporters? Mandated reporters are required by law to report any knowledge of sexual or physical abuse of a child, elderly person, or anyone with a diminished capacity to care for themselves. As such, there is no legal obligation to report domestic violence. Though the definition of physical abuse varies from state to state, it usually refers to “the leaving of noticeable bruises or welts.”

In addition to physical and sexual abuse, there are multiple forms of DV and IPV, including:

• psychological
• emotional
• financial
• technological, as in cyber-stalking & cyber-bullying
• threatening suicide or the abuse of others

With that in mind, here are some signs that clergy and congregants should be taught to see so that early detection might save lives:

• Frequent bruises, cuts, or marks that the person tries to hide or explain away as accidents.
• Drastic changes in personality, such as becoming withdrawn, depressed, or anxious, particularly without a clear reason.
• Starting to miss work, school, or social outings frequently.
• Noticeable anxiety, fear, or submission in the presence of a specific individual.
• Constantly checking in with a partner or being overly worried about pleasing a partner.
• Inappropriate clothing for the season such as long sleeves or turtlenecks in hot weather, potentially to cover up bruises or scars.
• Never having money or suddenly leaving a job without explanation.

Most importantly, we must resist the urge to advise those whom we suspect might be experiencing DV or IPV. It only further victimizes these individuals and robs them of their own agency. If you suspect that someone is in an abusive relationship – physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially, or technologically:

1. Create a safe space for a private conversation.
2. Begin by saying something like, “You don’t seem like yourself lately…”
3. Listen without interrupting.
4. Assure the person that s/he is not to blame and has no reason to be ashamed.
5. Do not judge or suggest a course of action.
6. Assure the person that s/he is not alone.
7. Give him/her time and space to feel comfortable opening up to you.
8. Encourage the abused person to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling (800) 799-7233 or texting BEGIN to 88788.

Never advise anyone to leave. While leaving may seem like the best course of action, there are many significant reasons why it is not always safe just to leave an abusive relationship. The Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness reports that there is a 75% increase in violence upon separation. For this reason, it’s important to work with a professional DV or IPV agency to develop an exit strategy.

One way for your congregation to transform conversations about these potentially life-threatening topics into life-giving sharing sessions is through the novel Deceit and engaging with its companion study guide for womanist discussion that peeks behind closed doors and beyond the veil of silence that all-too-often cloaks women who are adversely affected by DV and IPV. Deceit is a story about sister strength that shines a spotlight on how Black women can support one another and succeed together. It centers the experiences and perspectives of Black Christian women from various walks of life.

Rev. Dr. Carol Lynn Patterson is a champion of causes that seek to dismantle systems of oppression and inequality. She is the author of Deceit and its companion study guide, A Womanist Study Guide of the novel Deceit, which offer a wealth of resources about DV and IPV.

Through her books, speaking engagements, and workshops, Dr. Carol is committed to healing, empowering, and restoring individuals and communities affected by domestic violence. Her unique ability to blend theological insights with real-world solutions makes her a thought leader and a powerful voice in the fight against domestic violence.

To invite Dr. Carol to speak at your next event or to learn more about her work, please visit https://www.freehermindbodysoul.org/contactcarol/.